


all the secrets of past tense

by galacticdrift (Ancalime)



Series: fragile gifts [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Family Member Death, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Sad Cad Hours: Pt 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-30 07:51:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21424762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ancalime/pseuds/galacticdrift
Summary: partner piece to "a good-talking candle"
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Series: fragile gifts [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1544551
Comments: 2
Kudos: 52





	all the secrets of past tense

It's been so long since Fjord's been here -- in Shady Creek Run, at least. Fjord himself has never actually been _here:_ the Blooming Grove. Caduceus' home.

The dark Savalirwoods were a hard slog to pass through, but with the root of the forest's corruption dealt with, the whole area already feels...lighter. Less overwhelming.

Nila's clan has cared well for the Grove while Cad's been away, though Fjord can see signs of recent changes caused by their residence, and he's not sure how Cad feels about that. He's taken a seat on a bench near the edge of the cemetery, looking out over the grounds, mug of tea in hand. Fjord wanders over to join him, standing next to the bench for the novelty of being able to look _down_ at Cad's face.

"So that's it, then."

"Mmm." Cad nods, his eyes on the ground beneath them.

"Do you think the rest of your family will-- know, somehow? That the Grove has been saved and they can return?"

Cad's silent a long moment, considering it. "No."

"No?"

"Well. Perhaps they'll know."

There's a strangeness to Cad's mood that disquiets Fjord. Something-- unmoored. He can understand wrestling with a certain lack of direction after completing the quest Cad's entire family has been striving towards for generations, but there's an unexpected sadness to the slope of Cad's shoulders.

"Caduceus, are you...all right?"

"Mmm. I'm fine."

"If you're worried about your family, I'm sure Jester, or someone, could--"

"No." Fjord couldn't even think of another time that Cad had cut him off like that, and from the way his ears droop, he can tell Cad instantly regrets it.

"Caduceus--"

"No one needs to contact my family." Cad lets out a long, slow breath. "No one can."

"What do you mean, no one _can_\--" When it hits him he leans back, sucking in a breath, and lowers himself to the bench. "_Caduceus_. All of them?"

"Mmm." Cad tilts his head, looking out over the cemetery, gathering his thoughts. "I don't know why, or how -- whether it was something the Wildmother showed me for Her own reasons, something particular about the Grove, or about to our family, perhaps -- but every time a Clay fell, I somehow knew."

"The first one was my father. At the time, I assumed it was something he had done. He had powerful magical abilities, I thought he must have set up some kind of failsafe, an enchantment or something that would notify the rest of the family if anything happened to him." Cad hums. "Perhaps it really was something he did, but for all of us instead of just himself. Hadn't thought of that possibility before."

"Now that we've been to the Kiln, I think he might have died on his way there. I got a sense of-- cold, and violence."

A frisson of horror runs down Fjord's spine. "Did you-- _feel_ them all die?"

"Not really. Just-- flashes, sort of. Enough for a little context, not so much that I felt like I was there." Cad looks up at him. "A mercy, I suppose."

"I'm sorry. I can't even imagine what it must have been like." Fjord lets his hand rest on Cad's shoulder, hesitant. "You don't have to tell me about it if you don't want to."

"No, it's all right." Cad exhales, long and slow. "It...helps. I've carried it on my own long enough, I think."

"Most of the rest of the family was still at the Grove, back then. Only my father, my aunt Constance, and my cousin Corrin had left at that point. I told everyone that I knew something had happened to him." Cad's arms go tense as he grips the edge of the bench. "Finding out he'd died was what started the rest of them leaving."

"They would have found out at some point anyway. He'd been sending letters back, and given a long enough gap, someone would have scryed on him, or prayed to the Wildmother, and she would have told them what happened. Still, when I was younger it was hard not to feel a sense of guilt that it was me who told them."

"Corrin and Aunt Constance were the next to go, about five years later. Almost at the same time. I'm not sure what happened to them. Drowning, maybe. It was-- dark, and confusing."

"And then every few years, one of the others. One after another after another. Until they were all gone. The last one was my sister Clarabelle."

Fjord gently strokes down Cad's back, the bumps of his spine passing under his fingers, over and over again, like prayer beads.

"We argued when she left." Cad pauses, then pushes on, as if forcing the words out. "Fought. _Literally_ fought, I mean. She was the last one to leave, and she wouldn't consider letting me leave with her. I tried to go anyway, and-- did I tell you, about what happened to my knee? I told part of it to Jester, one time."

Cad digs fingers into his knee, kneading at the muscles and tendons. "I couldn't follow her on one leg, and I knew I couldn't heal myself quickly enough to keep her from getting enough of a head start to lose me. As she left, I accused her of abandoning me."

Fjord can't help but wince, his hand coming to a stop for a few beats. Cad nods. "Yeah. I knew it was terrible the moment it came out of my mouth, but I was so angry that I just left it like that and watched her walk away. I think-- I think those last few years, with just me and Clarabelle, weren't-- weren't healthy. For either of us. It wasn't really any better for me after she left, but at least I didn't have anyone I could take it out on."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Mmm. Go ahead."

"Was there some reason behind everyone else leaving, but not you? Why wouldn't Clarabelle have let you come with her, if you were the only two left anyway?"

Cad opens his mouth, then closes it again. "Uh. Hmm."

"You don't have to tell me."

"I should. But you're not going to like it." Cad's expression turns rueful. "Just keep in mind that it's a moot point now that I've finished my quest."

"...All right."

"I was a small and sickly child at birth. I didn't develop at the normal pace, and I had a lot of childhood illnesses. There was one winter when I got so sick for so long that my parents were afraid I was going to die. They prayed to the Wildmother, and the Wildmother told them she could help me grow stronger, but to do it I would have to be bound to the Blooming Grove itself."

"So they did it." Cad shrugs. "It wasn't a difficult choice. But as the years went on and the corruption encroached deeper and deeper, it became increasingly clear that we had to find the cause and stop it or we would lose the Grove entirely."

"And, of course, that was the most pressing concern -- as one of the Wildmother's most precious places, a place our family had lived in and protected for centuries, losing the Grove would have been an unspeakable tragedy." Cad looks down. "But also, if we had lost the Grove, I would have died as well."

"Shit." Bracing his elbows on his knees, Fjord buries his face in his hands and makes a wordless noise of frustration. "Shit. So we-- you could have-- _shit_."

"As I said -- it's a moot point now."

When he peers through his fingers at Cad, Fjord can see the anxiety on his face. His heart is still flip-flopping in his chest at not knowing they could have lost Caduceus, but he pats him on the knee and offers up a lopsided smile. "Sorry. Yes. You're right. It's behind us."

"That's why I was the last one there. In some ways, even though I got better, I was still the runt of the family. And on top of that, no one was sure if it would actually be safe for me to leave for an extended period of time."

At the sudden rush of fear he can't keep off his face, Cad places his hand over Fjord's on his knee. "I promise I would have said something a long time ago if it turned out that was the case."

"All right." Fjord heaves a sigh, then flips his hand over to squeeze Cad's. "That must have been incredibly difficult and painful. To lose your whole family, twice over, for the sake of saving you and your home."

"It's funny. Our family's quest completed, and none of them can be here-- it's been a long time since I missed them so much," Cad murmurs, and Fjord can feel a fine tremor in his hand.

"Would you-- tell me about them?" Cad glances over, and Fjord ducks his head. "I'm sorry I never got to meet them, but they were your family. The most important people in your life. I would love to know more about them."

Cad smiles at him. "Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that. You know, I think my mother would have adored you at first sight. Even when you still had that weird accent from before."

"Oh yeah?" Fjord leans back, matching Cad's smile with his own. "What was she like?"

**Author's Note:**

> >   
All the secrets of past tense have just come my way,  
but I still don't know what I'm going to do  
next.  

> 
> -Richard Brautigan


End file.
